I've been living in Los Angeles for two years,and I've never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash. Before I begin, I must point out that behindme sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero whileI, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning exampleof what is wrong with America today. Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates,and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the DartmouthClass of 2011.
Today, you have achieved something special,something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diplomayou now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like BillGates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg,only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk withsomeone in the next room. My first job as your commencement speakeris to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly forfour years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend. That was great. And Dartmouth is giving me the same degreefor interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: ifit does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it. I would like to thank President Kim for invitingme here today. After my phone call with President Kim, Idecided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K,Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department ofGlobal Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force forthe World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant,and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensatingfor? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouthto lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why eachof these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times. But I thank you for inviting me here, StinkyPete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity,you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat inevery seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not brightand I have a lot of free time. But this is a wonderful occasion and it isgreat to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all thelegal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car. You know, New Hampshire is such a specialplace. When I arrived I took a deep breath of thiscrisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state whereBen and Jerry's ice cream is made." But don't get me wrong, I take my task todayvery seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be yourspeaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an importantterm paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted someAdderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said"Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, UnitedStates." Thank you and good luck. To communicate with you students today, Ihave gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berrywith my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitzjacked by some d-bag on his FSP. Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earlof Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the BarbizonSchool of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto,"which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most pathetic school mottoI have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "SilentlyWeeping in Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this colorwas chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it wasthe only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex,and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americansthan any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' ValedictoryAddress by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduateis Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretarymade those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth,you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearingabout Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating. Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, thatyou don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set ofSurvivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bearwould use at an AA meeting. No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud. Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton areyour self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident,lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a downvest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister whonever leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly,who gives a shit. Yes, I've always had a special bond with thisschool. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges,way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place backthen. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and,after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayedwith a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I wastrapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlierhad been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return. But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in asmall, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch, and to this dayI cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spentat least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plantlife, as well as most types of rock. If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'dbe wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn'tknow the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liverthe size and consistency of a bean bag chair. Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, todayI'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be. You are a great school, and you deserve ahistoric commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to beforever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreakingpolicy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain"speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policyat American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policyhere at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine": - All bachelor degrees will be upgraded tomaster's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferredto a white collar prison. - Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnivalwill become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paidby the Alumni Association. - Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changedto something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla." - The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finallybe updated to "the one sixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semestersoff. They must, however, be on campus during theirSophomore 4th of July. - Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instateTubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replaceit with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combinationthan a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they weregoing to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at yourdesk. Don't let those bastards do it. And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," allcommencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed toget childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the historyof the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules! Besides policy, another hallmark of greatcommencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your timewith empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practicaladvice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years. - First, adult acne lasts longer than youthink. I almost cancelled two days ago because Ihad a zit on my eye. - Guys, this is important: You cannot irona shirt while wearing it. - Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long,you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel. - And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-topsbeneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is justthe first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life. Of course there are many parents here andI have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down: - Many of your children you haven't seen themin four years. Well, now you are about to see them everyday when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working. - If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy,you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualifiedto get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree. - The traffic today on East Wheelock is goingto be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middleof the K's. And, I have to tell you this: - You will spend more money framing your child'sdiploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are PaneraBread and Mexican drug cartels. Yes, you parents must be patient because itis indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough findingwork is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five yearsthat they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTuberight now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally. But enough. This is not a time for grim prognosticationsor negativity. No, I came here today because, believe itor not, I actually do have something real to tell you. Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduatingclass at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since becauseI thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles frommy home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share itwith you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraidto fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, thoughyou should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn'tkill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almostkills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successfulpeople like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whateverdoesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnayat 11 in the morning." Now, by definition, Commencement speakersat an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienceda profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left asystem that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the gridto not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost inthe shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, anda terrible analogy. But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I startedtrying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leathersuit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptionsof my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famousfor showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old,black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneousand seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leathersuit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactlywhat happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—hadmore conviction about what I was doing. How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things moreliberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who pridedthemselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my classtold me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues,before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be yourpath at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, risingand falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I haveworked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. Way back in the 1940s there was a very, veryfunny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatestcomedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carsonwanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirksand mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become hishero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson,and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark ina thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failureto become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortuneand handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention. So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessivelypursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimategoal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many peopleI thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me,and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to notbe afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fearit or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointmentyou can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. Many of you here today are getting your diplomaat this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hardto achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencementaddress than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever youthink your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specificvision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admitthat your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed,for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexualorientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad,the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007. I have told you many things today, most ofit foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a tabooand quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, justbefore signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking tothe Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more. Thank you very much, and congratulations.
Today, you have achieved something special,something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diplomayou now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like BillGates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg,only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk withsomeone in the next room. My first job as your commencement speakeris to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly forfour years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend. That was great. And Dartmouth is giving me the same degreefor interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: ifit does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it. I would like to thank President Kim for invitingme here today. After my phone call with President Kim, Idecided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K,Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department ofGlobal Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force forthe World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant,and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensatingfor? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouthto lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why eachof these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times. But I thank you for inviting me here, StinkyPete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity,you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat inevery seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not brightand I have a lot of free time. But this is a wonderful occasion and it isgreat to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all thelegal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car. You know, New Hampshire is such a specialplace. When I arrived I took a deep breath of thiscrisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state whereBen and Jerry's ice cream is made." But don't get me wrong, I take my task todayvery seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be yourspeaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an importantterm paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted someAdderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said"Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, UnitedStates." Thank you and good luck. To communicate with you students today, Ihave gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berrywith my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitzjacked by some d-bag on his FSP. Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earlof Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the BarbizonSchool of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto,"which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most pathetic school mottoI have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "SilentlyWeeping in Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this colorwas chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it wasthe only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex,and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americansthan any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' ValedictoryAddress by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduateis Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretarymade those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth,you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearingabout Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating. Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, thatyou don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set ofSurvivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bearwould use at an AA meeting. No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud. Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton areyour self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident,lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a downvest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister whonever leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly,who gives a shit. Yes, I've always had a special bond with thisschool. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges,way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place backthen. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and,after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayedwith a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I wastrapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlierhad been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return. But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in asmall, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch, and to this dayI cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spentat least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plantlife, as well as most types of rock. If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'dbe wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn'tknow the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liverthe size and consistency of a bean bag chair. Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, todayI'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be. You are a great school, and you deserve ahistoric commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to beforever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreakingpolicy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain"speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policyat American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policyhere at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine": - All bachelor degrees will be upgraded tomaster's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferredto a white collar prison. - Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnivalwill become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paidby the Alumni Association. - Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changedto something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla." - The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finallybe updated to "the one sixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semestersoff. They must, however, be on campus during theirSophomore 4th of July. - Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instateTubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replaceit with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combinationthan a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they weregoing to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at yourdesk. Don't let those bastards do it. And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," allcommencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed toget childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the historyof the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules! Besides policy, another hallmark of greatcommencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your timewith empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practicaladvice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years. - First, adult acne lasts longer than youthink. I almost cancelled two days ago because Ihad a zit on my eye. - Guys, this is important: You cannot irona shirt while wearing it. - Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long,you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel. - And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-topsbeneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is justthe first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life. Of course there are many parents here andI have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down: - Many of your children you haven't seen themin four years. Well, now you are about to see them everyday when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working. - If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy,you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualifiedto get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree. - The traffic today on East Wheelock is goingto be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middleof the K's. And, I have to tell you this: - You will spend more money framing your child'sdiploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are PaneraBread and Mexican drug cartels. Yes, you parents must be patient because itis indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough findingwork is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five yearsthat they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTuberight now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally. But enough. This is not a time for grim prognosticationsor negativity. No, I came here today because, believe itor not, I actually do have something real to tell you. Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduatingclass at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since becauseI thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles frommy home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share itwith you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraidto fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, thoughyou should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn'tkill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almostkills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successfulpeople like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whateverdoesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnayat 11 in the morning." Now, by definition, Commencement speakersat an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienceda profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left asystem that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the gridto not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost inthe shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, anda terrible analogy. But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I startedtrying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leathersuit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptionsof my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famousfor showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old,black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneousand seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leathersuit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactlywhat happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—hadmore conviction about what I was doing. How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things moreliberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who pridedthemselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my classtold me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues,before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be yourpath at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, risingand falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I haveworked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. Way back in the 1940s there was a very, veryfunny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatestcomedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carsonwanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirksand mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become hishero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson,and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark ina thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failureto become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortuneand handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention. So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessivelypursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimategoal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many peopleI thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me,and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to notbe afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fearit or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointmentyou can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. Many of you here today are getting your diplomaat this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hardto achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencementaddress than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever youthink your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specificvision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admitthat your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed,for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexualorientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad,the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007. I have told you many things today, most ofit foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a tabooand quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, justbefore signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking tothe Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more. Thank you very much, and congratulations.
