Friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me yourbeers. I am honored that you chose me to help youcelebrate your graduation today. I can only assume I am here today becauseof my subtle and layered work in a timeless classic entitled "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo". And for that I say, you're welcome.
I have to admit I am very surprised to behere because like so many of you, I was pretty convinced the Rapture was going to happen. Show of hands, how many of you woke up onSunday and thought, "You're kidding me! I sold all of my belongings, I told my bossto shove it and we are still here?" I understand how you feel.
I am so mad at Heaven right now. So I tried to write today's speech the wayI wrote everything in College. Stayed up all night, typing on a Canon wordprocessor while listening to Sir Mix-a-lot.
To be fair, first I took a nap, I ate a largepretzel, I cried a little bit and then I went to see that movie, Fast Five. And I am here to tell you, life is like aheist that requires good drivers, an explosives expert, a hot girl who doubles as a masterof disguise and this is a hard and fast rule.
If the Rock shows up, they're on to you. But the class of 2011 did not invite me hereto tell jokes. They invited me here to talk about the recenttensions between oil traders regulators of the commodities futures trading commission.
I'm sure we all read the New York Times thismorning which posited that there may be a complex scheme that relied on the close relationshipsbetween physical oil prices and the prices of financial futures, which of course, aswe all know, moves in parallel. Hilarious.
What do I know about Harvard? I know it is the oldest American university. I know it provides the ultimate experiencein higher learning and according to the movies, I know it is filled with people who get richeither by inventing things or suing the people who they claim stole their invention. Let me be clear.
I believe everything I see in movies. And if you remember anything I say today,remember this. Every single thing you see in movies is real.
So, what do the fine students of 2011 needto hear from me? If I wanted to give you advice as a Bostonian,I would remind you that: "Just because you're wicked smart it doesn't mean you are betterthan me." And I would also want to say: "Good for youfor working so hard.
